Plan B

So you missed a few chapters

2010-10-31T20:20:00.000-07:00

17 months later...
WOw. It's been over a year since i've been on my blog...hmmm let me see, let me do a quick rundown of my life in the last year and a half...
i tried to sell my house
i took my house off the market
i still craft
i take good pictures
i met somebody
it's been an amazing journey
i had surgery a year ago
i started teaching this year
i am teaching the only lgbtq class in the country on health and health care disparities
i have not been able to get a faculty appointment
i have not been given a raise
i'm still doing more and not getting paid enough for it
i had work problems - big time
i traveled to the philippines
i went to angkor wat
i came out

so that's what's been happening in my life. just a few things i sped through up there. but that's all in the past. today is a new chapter in Plan B.

No longer ABD (all but dissertation)

2009-05-31T17:33:00.001-07:00

Yes, i defended last May 22- I passed! My topic was "Professional Development in Medical Education - Using a Motivational Framework to Increase Cultural Competence Skills". Sounds complicated? But it's not. It was a qualitative study over a 6 month period of time from October to March. It was challenging but fun. My powerpoint was about 45 minutes. I had a conference room, and about 20 people attended. Most of my coworkers, my committee and a couple of guests. I had a great party afterwards, attended by family and friends. I partied too much and somewhere i am told there is a video and photos of mr crumping with victor. Hah! Funny! It was worth it though, since it took me 13 years to finish this dang degree! That whole memorial day weekend was just a big celebration for me - it was great to spend it with so many family and friends....

My coworkers gave me this balloon and a bouquet of roses!

The calm before the storm, as ready as I would ever get for my presentation. This was the Smart Room (a contradiction, for sho) and it was so hot in this room. By the time I got done, my shirt was soaked with sweat!

Maddie!

2009-05-31T17:26:00.001-07:00

I have a new niece! Her name is Madeleine Joelle. Her nickname is Maddie, born May 16 at 8.5 lbs. to my sister Jehlee and her hubby Joel. I love this picture of me, Maddie and Mia. Maddie looks like she's laughing at the camera...someone said I looked real happy here. I was and I think this little girl has a very special place in my heart already! I love that she looks like a boy, i know she's not but she has that look, maybe cause she looks like her Dad. She's very very pretty. I love her name too. Proud auntie, that's what i am!

Maddie and Auntie Marie!

Mia is already a good big sister!

I love this picture - she seems so aware, like she knows something we don't...sweet!

Tulip Festival!

2009-05-01T15:20:00.001-07:00

Yesterday a couple of friends from work and I spent the day taking pictures and practicing with our cameras at the Tulip Festival in Mt. Vernon, WA. In all the 28 years that I have lived here, I had never been so yesterday was a good sunny day to finally go! We had a blast taking pictures and generally creating a ruckus at the fields. We were doing our Tyra poses and giving the flowers something to smile about! Above is a picture of a school bus that was parked in the middle of the field. We figured it was there to give people a place to rest from the heat while they are picking or cutting flowers.

This is a flaming parrot variety of tulips. I did get a bunch of tulips and this was one variety i picked up. I love that the colors are flaming red orange and yellow.

For this one, I put the camera down low to the ground. Not sure if I had the 50 mm lens or my zoom lens on this. It was trial and error but it was cool to take a chance and just shoot and find out later what i took. I loved some of the ones I ended up with. Brilliant!
Ruusengaarde Field had a frog that people were posing with so I got down on all fours to give it a big kiss. It did not turn into a prince (or princess!) Nevertheless, i still looked ridiculous on all fours. Hah!
This is one of the photos I loved. I loved the orange with the blue sky, i might send this out to be printed professionally so I can frame it. Brilliant!
I think this was Tulip Town, the first one we went to. I still looked semi-fresh in this one, but as the morning and day rolled on, it got hotter and hotter and dustier and dustier!

Another stately bloom, i loved the color of this one...

I really enjoyed the contrast of the yellow line against the blue/white sky on this. The flowers looked amazingly flat. It might have had something to do with my setting on the camera but I really liked how it ended up.

Ah, brilliant!!

Jennifer, me and Maria, my fellow tiptoers through the tulips!

Love the red flowers against the yellow bus. This was definitely with my 200 mm zoom lens. This row seemed to stretch for a mile long! I enjoyed the day trip and used up a lot of gigs on my memory card. I have more pictures that I will print (instead of publish) so I can frame them. So happy I got a chance to do this!

UW Red Square on a beautiful sunny day!

2009-04-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

Above is my niece Mia who is turning two in a couple of weeks. She's getting to be a flirty model, and I think she has potential to be an actress, if you ask me.

Then at lunch today, i had the pleasure of spending a beautiful sunny, 70 degree afternoon with my peeps at OMA/D - they were doing a lunch for folks who were taking a class, or entering a degree program, or finishing one up. As Sheila put it (VP for Diversity), it was all about nurturing the next crop of leaders. I was so honored to be included, and I always enjoy hanging out on upper campus more and more (more than my UWSOM world, unfortunately)...Then found out that Jan loves Adele, like me, and Emil can act all ghetto any time he wants to and that he's a Henny guy...LOL! On the way back, I took some shots as I was walking across campus of the Quad...the cherry trees are in bloom, so many students out on the grass, enjoying the sun. I love this campus! So right now, I am in between meetings, so checking email and work stuff but I thought I'd blog these photos right away since we've missed the sun so much. I hope the sun sticks around (it won't) so I'm going to enjoy it while i can.

And on another note, I just want to let you all know that I finally submitted my dissertation this Saturday. It was over 200 pages, with 109 pages I personally wrote every word. My title is "Professional Development in Medical Education - Using a Motivational Framework to Increase Cultural Competence." I was quite happy with it, after I did some more edits. My adviser Margery might have me change a few more things but I doubt it. The next thing that happens is I have to make a public presentation about it, my work, my outcomes, etc. That is open to the public, then everyone leaves and I am left to spar it out with my committee who will question me on my process, theory, etc. That roast is held in secret, away from public humiliation!

In any event, I am so ready to get this done. I can't believe that I am so close, since I've been working on this since 1996! It will be so nice not to have this hanging over my life once it's done. I can finally do some fun stuff, like paint the inside of my house and get Matthew's clothes packed and simplify my life. I'm going to be donating his clothes to a men's recovery group on capitol hill, and I feel myself getting closer to actually being ready and able to move on...symbolically, his clothes probably symbolize this the most, for me. It has been 14 months since he passed.

So lots of changes happening in my life - closing chapters, and starting new ones. Spring is a time for renewal and rejuvenation and I can feel its energy in my life right now....

Daren's Birthday

2009-03-29T18:31:00.001-07:00

My friend Daren had a birthday party a week ago at La Casa dela Mojitos and we had fun! Of course the karaoke machine was on but it was so piddly compared to the super mike I am usually used to, but the company was awesome and people were dancing and singing on the floor. We had the place to ourselves and of course it was good to catch up with some old friends and to see people from work in a different setting than what I'm used to...

Me and my friend Annette:

Daren! Whaaaa!

Daren, Annette and me:

He had cupcakes instead of a birthday cake. He's such a great singer and dancer too!

Here he is on the karaoke machine:

What fun. It was a nice way to end my week at Lake Chelan.

Whoa, it's been a while!

2009-03-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

Since mid February, I've been up to a number of things. My mom had her gall bladder removed last month and here's some shots of us in the hospital with her - can you imagine, someone is sick and here we are taking pictures...! Above is Mia playing around for the camera....

Here she is looking very cute....

Kissing Daddy!

Aaron is on the bed while the patient (MamaLuz) is on her feet. Does she look upset?

Mia looking very grown up - she's going to be 2 in April!

Then in mid March I went to Lake Chelan to recover from tooth surgery as well as to write my dissertation. I was determined, even though there was snow on the pass and chains were required. But fortunately, I had a four wheel drive and my trusty highlander pulled me through the traffic and slow moving vehicles. What would have been a 3-1/2 hour drive took me 5 hours to get there!

But it was worth it, here's the view outside my balcony! I was steps from the lake, and it was so quiet and so good for writing. Thanks to my friends Ginny and Larry! I finished my first draft in this tranquil environment, away from everyone, only my ipod to keep me company...and a bottle of wine. I did celebrate with a couple of shots of tequila after I finished writing!

The view outside my balcony apartment...

Last night we were over at Ella's house to celebrate her Dad's birthday. It was fun, we had the karaoke going all night. This is Aileen, Susan, Pinky and Jamie.

Above is Anton and her son, Ian (I think that is his name), PInky and Edwin.

Jehlee arrived a little later with Joel, and this is Pinky, Jehlee and Susan.
She's due at the end of May!

Me, Pinky, Jehlee and Susan. I have lost a little bit of weight, though you can't tell from this picture since I'm all covered up. I am down to size 12, from size 18! I was big, and now all my clothes are too big. I was able to pull up some of my older pants and start wearing them again!

Pinky was so happy that Aaron was doing Karaoke. This one's with Jamie.

Then she and Dennis started singing Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang and Pinky was already drunk so she was horsing around in this picture. It was still good to see them both perform though....

Whew, I am so glad aaron's hands are on her shoulder, not her butt!

Mia is so cute - she's sick right now with the cold - which everyone has...but she was doing ok when this picture was taken.

So right now, i am editing my dissertation and hoping to turn in a final by this weekend. It has kept me very busy but in a good way. I had a rough week this week but got to spend time with my friend Pam Friday to relax and unwind. Then the next day my Craft group and I went to Bellingham to go supplies shopping at various stores. I spent way more than I thought I would but I also hadn't spent any money on crafts in months.

I think that when my schoolwork is done, I am going to be able to go back to crafting again, which is my first love anyways. I can't wait for this to happen! I am so excited that I am going to be done with School soon!

Orcas Island

2009-02-23T20:45:00.000-08:00

The kids and i went to Orcas Island over valentines weekend, just to get away and be near the ocean. i thought it might be therapeutic, being a year after Matthew passed. I had so much fun, shocking the kids with my dancing abilities, and blasting the ipods at night! They were all sitting looking at computers (can you believe it?) while i was dancing away, in the living room, like a fool, by myself. it was so freeing though, to have fun like that, and the kids just didn't really care. they probably just thought, that's mom being crazy - what else is new???? LOL! anyhow, we ended up going into town a couple of times, and visited the Rosario Resort which was under renovation, but we still got to enjoy the view. Here are a few of the pictures we took....

this is mandela and jamila's friend, victor

victor admiring jamila's food cause his took sooo long to prepare!

ahhh, sunshine!

jamila and victor (and mandela's thumb)

she's thinking....

GROUP HUG!

One Year Anniversary

2009-02-06T21:33:00.001-08:00

1947-2008

A year ago this week (Feb 12) my husband passed away. In his honor I did this obamicon for him. Yes we did refers to the fact that he never lived to see us elect a Black President. It's what I think about a lot when I think about how the last year went. So far this year has been manageable, bear-able, and a pretty steep learning curve for me and his family. It's been a huge change but one i hope we have managed well in his absence. On Thursday I plan to have a small family gathering, and enjoy a meal together in his honor. I would also like to reprint this poem I wrote about him, about 2 days before he passed away. Basically, i wrote this because a few days before he passed, it seemed that the Matthew I knew was gone. He was not mentally there anymore, and was in his own world. He was calling me by his sister's name Jackie, and kept calling for his mom. He couldn't stand up but didn't want to lay down. He was drifting in and out of consciousness most of the time. I knew that at some point in the last week of his life, he changed, and I wondered if I was somehow absent when this happened. Reading this, even a year later, still brings up the same pain and emotions in me. This poem reflects the questions I was asking myself before he passed away. And ones that I may never ever have the answers to...

The Last Lucid Moment

When did I miss the last lucid moment?

Was it when I got up to take a shower to get ready for my day

Was it when I turned the coffee pot on

Was it when I looked in my closet to pick out my clothes

And decided to wear the same pants and the same shoes anyway?

Was it when I put on my 5 minute make up

Glanced at him and he opened his eyes to look at me

Was it when I picked up my purse and checked my wallet for cash

Was it when I said I love you, and not hearing an answer

Kept walking away quietly

When did I miss the last lucid moment?

Was it when I was driving to work listening to NPR?

Was it when I parked my car and waited for the elevator?

Was it when I stopped to pick up candy from the candy bowl?

Was it when I turned on my computer

And started one meeting after another after another

When did I miss the last lucid moment?

Was it when I was talking with the OT about a ramp?

Was it when I picked up his medication?

Was it when I checked on the last blood test

Or was it when I was trying to figure out

Who to tell about the bad news and how?

When did I miss the last lucid moment?

Was it when I wrote that email about the training

And the request to take more time off?

Just when did I miss the last lucid moment?

Was it when I got home from work

And he laid in bed, tranquil and asleep

Was it when I fixed him soup and he barely ate half of it?

Was it when I did the laundry, the one with his grey sweats in the mix?

Was it when I mopped the kitchen floor

And wiped the counter clean?

Just when did I miss the last lucid moment?

At that last lucid moment

Did he hear me say "I love you"

Did he see me smile at him and nod?

Did he feel me when i hugged him real tight?

Did he smell me when I held his face against my chest?

Did he know just how much he meant to me

And how much I appreciated his love?

Did he know how much clarity he gave to my life?

Did he know that he made me a better person from the moment that we met?

Did he know that he had my love

No matter how many mistakes we both made?

I just want to know that I didn’t miss it;

That I was there when it happened,

And his last clear memory of life

Was utter certainty in his heart that he is loved

Unconditionally.

2/10/08

I miss you so much my heart hurts.

how i crashed the sold out adele concert

2009-01-27T10:09:00.000-08:00

well, i had a partner in crime. pam and i tried to buy tickets to this sold out show like three weeks ago but instead met the security guy at Neumo's, D3. He told us to come back on the day of the show, and see if we can come in. So yesterday, the day of the concert, we decided to take him up on his offer and head over to Moe Bar. i thought that since D3 was being nice about it, that i would take him a gift - a set of purple huskies jogging suit that was matthew's and it seemed to me the right size for D3. So i take this with us and go to moe bar and wait. when i first saw D3, i was like, remember us from three weeks ago, you said to come back and see if you can let us in to the show (the nerve, huh?) well we are here at the bar, so let us in! he's like well you didn't email me and you were supposed to email me, blah blah blah. well he didn't give us his email address then, so of course we didn't know were supposed to do this. so it didn't seem real hopeful at that point, since he was like, "i can't do anything for you....wait to see if the ticket taker leaves his post..."

so we wait a little bit more, we grab another round of drinks and see D3 outside the bar. We told him we needed to get something for him from the car, does he like purple, what size does he wear, etc…so we walked back to the car and grab the jogging suit. It’s a really nice one, I got it for matthew from the UW surplus store, it was issued by the UW athletic dept for the football players so I knew it would fit him – he’s a big guy. So we came back to the bar, find D3 outside and I approach him and give him the jogging suit. He introduces me to some guy, I don’t even know who this guy was, maybe he was the owner or something. I go back to the bar, and pam goes outside to tell him, if the suit is too big, he can shrink it with hot water in the laundry. So at that point, he gives her the ticket stubs which we use to get in to the sold out show!!!!! Can you tell how excited we were to be there???? Just look at us and how beaming I look!

Ive talked often about how much I love adele and her voice, and this 20 year old is something. Of course my favorite song of hers is the Bob Dylan cover, make you feel my love, which I have featured on this blog before. The thrill of being able to hear her sing my song live, and to enjoy with my best friend Pam beside me was just amazing. For the first time in a long time, I was really really happy. We were both in disbelief that we were even there, inside the show. I was really determined to get in there, I really wanted to be in there, and there was nothing that was going to stop me from doing so. And I have to say thank you to Matthew because I think the jogging suit did the trick. Even though it might fit or not fit, it was the thought that counted. After the concert, we thanked him and i even gave him a kiss on the cheek for being so kind. Can you believe that! It was just awesome to do what we did and to have so much fun doing it.

Neumo's Crystal Room is a smallish auditorium, very intimate, there might have been 300 people in there. It was SRO and there's easy access to the bar at Moe. Certainly becoming one of my favorite hang out places.....and the calamari isn't bad either!

I recorded her singing my song, so here it is. Hopefully you can play it just fine... Adele at Neumo's in Seattle, Jan 26 2009 singing "Make You Feel My Love" by Bob Dylan....

Orcas Island

2009-01-20T13:15:00.000-08:00

Had a fabulous time with a couple of girlfriends at Orcas Island over the long weekend. Did nothing but drink, eat, tell stories, and sit in the hot tub. It was so beautiful there, and the weather was nice, it was sunny and I actually had to take my jacket off...it was awesome.

swimsuits drying after the hot tub!

row of cottages where we stayed.

the front of the cabin.

entrance to the Orcas Island Pottery Center

Me, overlooking the Islands from above some mountain we were on, sorry i forgot the name! yes tank tops and sunshine on the 18th of January! It was hot up there!

an interesting look from where i sat everyday on the beach with my canon 30 D 50 mm lens.

this was a private covered bridge we trespassed on the west side of the island

Crystal Lake, still covered with ice on an early sunday morning this time with my canon 30 d tamron zoom lens 18-200 mm.

my daily cup of tea, taken with 50 mm lens.

crystal lake again, covered in misty fog and ice.

me at doe bay, on the east side of the island. it was gorgeous there.

Definitely a good place to visit. I loved it. I am glad they took me away for a short while. It was so awesome.

It's official! THE PREZ OBAMA!

2009-01-20T12:58:00.000-08:00

Pam and I attended the inauguration at Triple Door this morning -it was early, had to be there by 8 am. We both took the day off today so mimosas were in order. It was so much fun to watch it with other people. Lots of cheering going on, some booing when Cheney and Bush were shown. But who cares about them, we have a new President! The parts I loved the best -- everything, but especially memorable was the funny quote offered by the pastor - Rev. Jeffrey Holmes???? I hope I got his name right - "Black is back, brown can stick around, and yellow is never mellow!" I don't know if I got that right, since we were laughing so hard...Where else can you hear that during an inauguration? I loved the spirit of inclusion, the diversity, the challenges and vision he presented. I am so proud to be an American today. Yes we did!

A TV capture of the swearing in on the big screen at Triple Door....

Pam and me at the Inauguration Party. Note she is wearing pearls in honor of Michelle Obama!

This was on the walk home, we posed by the KOMO event, which was at the Paramount.

So cool to be able to "be" there!

Adele, live at Joe's Pub NYC

2009-01-11T19:02:00.000-08:00

I am hoping to sneak in to her show in Seattle. Maybe. In the meantime, I play it over and over. I really love her voice and love the lyrics. Bob Dylan is a master poet.
Adele's interpretation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIdCa7yEk3k

Original Dylan:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ILrl-SPHtY&feature=related

enjoy....

Make you feel my love

2009-01-04T18:25:00.000-08:00

My favorite song of the moment, sung by a new artist named Adele from London. I heard it was an original Bob Dylan song. i played it over and over again for about 5 hours yesterday while painting....hope you like it too.

https://exchange.washington.edu/owa/attachment.ashx?attach=1&id=RgAAAAARwBTJCUQQRqOFwZRE0RI3BwAoJ1HDZad3TJWaO6OrvFkbAAAAADxJAAAoJ1HDZad3TJWaO6OrvFkbAAAetknPAAAJ&attid0=EADO9uNCdkaOS7%2f3gQOqEIWM&attcnt=1

happy new year everyone!

2008-12-31T19:13:00.000-08:00

i hope that 2009 brings you more joys than you can unfold. I am looking forward to this next year, but remain grateful for the blessings and challenges that 2008 brought to my life. you're one of the blessings, so i just want to say thank you for being in my life!

Xmas Day 2008

2008-12-26T11:08:00.000-08:00

Had a great christmas day with my family. First I spent the morning cooking leche flan and spinach lasagna. We opened presents just among us three (Mandela, Jamila and me) and drove over to Skyway to Jehlee's house. It kept snowing all day and driving was especially treacherous and slick all the way to Joel's driveway. I think it was worse yesterday compared to all the other dry snow we were getting all week. Later that night we went over to my sister in law's Jackie's house and had some of her yummy potato salad and sweet potatoo pie. There is nothing like it! Anyway, here's some pics from our Xmas album...

Mia's stinky feet! (well not really, we were just playin...)
Jackie modeling her scarf we got her for Xmas and trying to hide the present she got for Lexi.

Jackie, Jamila and Me.

Mandela and me at Jackie's kitchen table, just sitting and chatting.

Pinky and Aaron at Jehlee's house. His present did not make it in via mail due to the snow. Utang muna daw! Neither did my present for Mia make it!

Santa Claus and me, getting ready to distribute presents. I'm wearing the sweater Mandela gave me for Xmas, I love it!

This is Jamie (my friend's daughter. really, she's like a niece to me now). She's so pretty!

Nevaeh, my niece, and Me. That's Devonte in the background, my nephew.

Cousin Marvy and me. He rolled in with Katie, his sweetie.

Nephew Aaron and me....

Nephew JP and me....they're good kids.

Mia and Nevaeh, playing with the horsie Mia got for Christmas...

Ang 3 Maria, Pinky, Jehlee and Me....

MamaLuz and me...

Mia knows how to do the fistpump, Obama style!

The Gardner family, Xmas 2008.

Thanks for looking! Hope you enjoyed them!

merry christmas to all!

2008-12-24T09:29:00.000-08:00

while the snow keeps piling up in seattle, it makes me feel good to know that some of my friends are having fun across the miles. here's a nice xmas present from tips and tatty! adora, i know you know who this is....

my good friend tatty at Podium mall - oops, who is that handsome guwapito in the back?
here's tatty and tips, enjoying some time together...

wow, merry christmas to me! merry christmas jericho and to all my family and friends!!!

i got 8 inches...

2008-12-21T12:44:00.000-08:00

of snow - from 5 days of off and on snow. that's snow, a layer of ice, and then more snow...don't believe me? look, this is my backyard....see how you can't even see my boots in the snow?

this is my backyard, normally it's all green grass. one good thing - i think the snow is killing the blackberry bushes - finally!!!!!! i tried to make angels on the snow but that ice is hard!

if i could make money off of this stuff, i would be a bzillionaire!

looking downhill on morgan street. my neighbors were snowboarding earlier today....nobody fell off the hill (so far..)

here's proof positive of the snow in my backyard. 8 inches!!!!

my backyard looking so serene. that's my neighbord's house behind me....

there's only so much you can do around the house. i cleaned my room, at least and reorganized my dresser drawers, folded my clothes, sorted my makeup, swept the floors. i don't think i can do any more cleaning. i refuse! now i'm getting ready to do my workout then take a shower.

three things

2008-12-17T21:30:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all of you who have sent me birthday greetings. I've been busy at work and at home with the holidays, the snow, and it's just been a little crazy. Let me explain.

I've been paying attention to a number of things that have been happening around me that is sort of surreal and perhaps supernatural. First, two weeks ago, i had an out of body experience. I was laying in bed, asleep, when all of a sudden, i felt my body/soul/spirit lift up from my bed and sensed myself floating in the air about to traverse outside of my house. When i saw myself approaching the wall of my bedroom, i put my hands up and pushed away and I went back into my body. i didn't wake all the way up, i just took it as it was, wasn't scared or afraid. I just didn't want to exit my house, or my body, i guess.

Then the next week, my mom had this dream that matthew was cleaning out his closet, taking his clothes out of his drawers and he was asking my mom to clean out his closet. She said she didn't know what the dream meant, but I think I do. I think it is related to the fact that most of his clothes and shoes are still in my bedroom and his clothes hanging in the other closet. I think he was telling me that i needed to let go of some of his stuff, whatever that is.

Then a few days later, and this would be this last week, I had another dream/sleep thing. I was laying in bed, sort of asleep, sort of awake, when I felt someone come around the bed and start to lay down on the bed beside me. Do you know this feeling when someone you know is about to lay down beside you, you feel the bed move, you feel their weight, you might even smell them? Well I sensed all this and I really thought someone was there. Was I scared? No, it felt so natural. I remember thinking - who is this? Is this Jamila? Matthew? someone else? This thing laid down beside me and sort of put its arm over me like it was going to cuddle me. I opened my eyes to see who it was and of course, there was no one there. It didn't freak me out, and I knew right away it was a good spirit, it was Matthew. I went right back to sleep and woke up the next day just the same.

I connected the three events later that morning and talked with Vicki from work. Vicki is Tlingkit Alaska Native. I remembered her saying that in her tradition, they burn a deceased person's clothes so they can take this with them on their next journey. I described these three events and asked Vicki if she could do this offering for me, on my behalf, for Matthew's journey.

She said yes so one of these days when the weather improves and we can get an ok from Daybreak Star, me and her are going to burn a set of Matthew's clothes as an offering to him, to help him on his journey. I don't know yet which ones, but maybe a set of his favorite outfit. At the same time we will be offering prayers and I can offer prayers of my own.

I do feel that these three events, though separate, but closely occuring, are a sign from Matthew - perhaps it is giving me permission to move on, perhaps it is a sign that says he is here for me, or a sign to let me know he is watching over me. I don't know for sure, but I want to help him on his journey. I am hoping that this symbolic burning of his clothes will be a good way to bring this part of my life some comfort and closure.

As I relate these events to others, I heard from other women who have lost husbands and lovers and have experienced the same thing - the very real presence of someone familiar, returning for a hug or an embrace or a touch, and in one case, a gentle push. It isn't scary to me, and in a weird way, somewhat comforting. I have been doing ok with my grieving and have been ready to move on for some time. In fact, I feel that I am in the process of moving on.

Perhaps the offering I am preparing for him with Vicki will help. I feel it will at least help me. It's extremely gratifying to me that I have someone who can help me cope with this in a spiritual way. I feel fortunate to have this opportunity. I feel that my faith in a higher power is certainly helping me with my grief and my loneliness.

Yesterday on my birthday, I went to his grave and placed three roses that someone gave me for my birthday. I was extremely sad but found I could not cry, not in the usual way that I have been given to tears each time I went to the cemetery. I don't know exactly what this "not being able to cry" routine means. Am I just fighting it, or am I really past the sorrowful weeping part? I don't know. I feel the sadness but not enough to cry in tears. I just cry from my heart. It's very interesting these last few weeks. I wonderwhat will be next for me....

first snow!

2008-12-14T14:24:00.001-08:00

white stuff fell last night. it felt like winter. it was good.

The Zen of Joan Didion

2008-12-07T20:15:00.000-08:00

A friend, Shellwyn, sent me this link. http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3021&Itemid=0

She said it reminded her of me. A few things resonated in his writing, and the following really hit close to home:

The events of the past few years have, inevitably, affected Didion’s view of her own death. “It’s made it much more present as a concept. I mean, everything that’s happened in the past few years was terrible, but was also, in some odd way, quite liberating. You know that song, ‘Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose’—it’s liberating in that sense. You’ve seen the worst and you’ve lived through it. So it’s not going to get worse. It’s liberating to people who have a lot of anxiety and are apprehensive, which I have always been.

“I’m not so apprehensive any more, and not so anxious.”

Sometimes at home she reaches for Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, the book she first turned to for comfort almost forty years ago. Only now she is reading it not just to feel good. She is pondering its wisdom, especially what it says about letting go. After decades of missing its meaning, she is opening up to it. “I think now I get the lesson,” she says. Catching herself and chuckling, she adds, “I don't get all of it.”

Getting the lesson, Didion says, is a work in progress. And applying it to life is tricky, too. “I have yet to successfully apply it. I seem to be in a morass of things undone. I don't seem to be able to let go enough to either decide not to do things, or to do them and move on. Part of it is that I'm still grieving, and part of it is that during the past couple of years I got quite seriously behind. If you don't do something every day you tend to become afraid to do it, and to some extent I don't feel quite as capable as I did.

“But that's not a lack of control; it's just a lack of practice. Now I'm putting energy into trying to get back in charge, without being in control. Getting back in charge just means cleaning out my life, simplifying. It doesn't necessarily mean trying to control it.”

Letting go, she says, is necessary throughout life. “You have to. You have to because everything changes. It’s the hardest thing to learn. It’s the hardest thing to do.”

If you have a chance to read the link, and I hope you do, some of it was and is true for me. "Putting energy into trying to get back in charge, without being in control." Losing Matthew made me realize I was not in control, and am not now. Someone else is. Matthew was a protective element in my life and now I have to create my own protective element. What has made this last year easier for me was the fact that I know I gave my marriage my all, and put my heart, body and soul into loving and caring for someone else outside of myself. I have no regrets. Like I said in my previous entry, I see light at the end of the tunnel. I am facing it head on.

My mom had a dream last night, and in it she said Matthew wanted to clean out his closet. The first thing I thought was, I think he wants his clothes. Silly right? Of course he doesn't "want" his clothes. It held no significance for her but it holds tremendous significance for me. It's giving me permission to move on. On the road to liberation. He needs his clothes to travel. He needs me to let him go....

So much to be grateful for

2008-11-27T23:15:00.000-08:00

Even though this has been a tough year, I do have so much to be thankful for. The love and support of family and friends has helped me make it through, and i can almost see light at the end of the tunnel. Everything is not so dark anymore, and brightness and lightness fills my sky. I know that I cannot go back to the way things are, and I am forever changed by my loss. I am learning more about myself, the new me, and my new life. I think I am in the "Adjustment and Acceptance" stage: I have survived most of my grief and have new strengths and understandings that have prepared me to move on to a new and different life. And I am ready, thanks to the support of my family and friends.

A poem for you....

2008-11-16T19:54:00.000-08:00

Keep walking though there's no place to get to.

Don't try to see through the distances. That's not for human beings.

Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move.

Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened.

Don't open the door to the study and begin reading.

Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.

There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

- Rumi

negative. normal.

2008-11-13T14:16:00.001-08:00

i got myself checked out and it was all normal. nothing to worry about! woohoo! it was good to get it checked out and know for sure...i really gotta take better care of myself...

and now, a lump...

2008-11-12T22:22:00.000-08:00

It may not be anything at all, but i felt a lump in my breast today. first thing this morning. It was one of those, "what the hell?" things...so i rush to make an appointment at the clinic as soon as they opened and i did get seen. my doc didn't see anything real conclusive, she felt the lump, it might be breast tissue, there's no pain, so that was a good sign. but they're having me do a mammo and an ultrasound at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance tomorrow anyways. I hope, hope, hope it is nothing big or simply benign, or a false alarm. Anyone of those would be so the right answer right now! I don't know if i can take being sick or having to deal with the c word again.

However, in the course of the day, i regrouped. Well, so what. If i have an illness, or if I don't, it's the same crazy life with the same crazy challenges, what else would be new. I do believe that God doesn't give us more than we can ever handle. Of course I am going to fight like hell to get better, to get well, if it is cancer but I won't worry about that till i know for sure. So tomorrow I should know. I have an appointment first thing in the morning. It'll be alright. I'll be alright.

too many filipinos in one place

2008-11-09T10:16:00.000-08:00

that's what it was like last night at joel's place, where we celebrated his birthday, glen's birthday and jp's birthday. we had so much food - pancit (of course), kare kare, dinuguan, mechado, ginatan, leche flan, salmon, embutidong manok, chicharon, barbeque and oysters. did we have fun? you be the judge....

some of the women there - pinky, me, eileen, susan, anton, ella, joel's aunt, may, and jehlee.

pinky laying out the duckfart shots....

me and pinky...i colored my hair today.

me, jehlee, pinky, mamaluz and mia...

pinky and edwin...6 years and still going strong!

ella and me again...

edwin, pinky, eileen, and ella...

birthday boy jp, pinky, ella, and jamie...medyo lasing na...

joel and jehlee, medyo happy happy na....

medyo engot engot na...

engot na engot na nga....

pinky, eileen and me....di kame lasing!

jp, jamie, ella, edwin, pinky and me....
jamie was sober, she did not drink since she's underage, trust me on this.... the boyz took control of the mics this time...masaya.

they karaoke'd for a while. so i don't know what time everybody left, i was fast asleep on aaron's bed!

yes we did!

2008-11-08T20:13:00.000-08:00

my sister asked me to explain this entry, and I was just expressing my happiness over Obama's victory...all along the campaign, it was yes we can...and now that we've won, it's yes we did! I am so excited and happy over our new prez, it's so awesome!

yes we did!

2008-11-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

trick or treat at the waterfront

2008-10-29T22:17:00.000-07:00

last sunday we took mia to the waterfront for trick or treating. i am not sure if she knew what was happening yet but she looked very cute in her minnie mouse costume. Manuel was spiderman with big muscles and looking very much in character! there were so many kids in costumes with parents and families in tow, it was like a disney parade on the pier. so so cute!

Fides was here!

2008-10-25T11:16:00.001-07:00

It was so good to see our old friend Fides, who was here visiting from SF/Hayward area. We grew up together in Project 4, and still stay in touch even though we don't get to see each other frequently. It was so good to catch up! She looked great, she looked happy, and has not changed not one bit! We just hung out at Jehlee's house, and then she went out with Pinky, Edwin, Susan and Glen. Not sure what time they got back but I am sure they had a great time!

i passed!

2008-10-23T22:46:00.001-07:00

today was the oral part of my general exams. i passed! i had four committee members who asked me questions. i was told it would be more like a conversation but it felt like q and a to me. they asked questions, i answered. they asked me what brought me to this point, what i learned in the coursework (which is a huge question), go through my capstone, rationale, how i see myself as a system leader, my areas of influence. there was a question where i almost got teary eyed but stopped myself. it was a question on the areas of influence and how community fit into my picture. i then said my community includes my family and my family's experiences. then i thought of matthew just for a moment and his illness and experience with health care.

david my boss was there and it was a bit challenging to have your boss there while you're being grilled. i didn't want to say the wrong thing, or imply anything. he was so proud of me and he even announced it to the students at the AAMN meeting. i was pretty happy.

after the exam, i went to Piatta at the U Village and had a late lunch (this was 330 by then), had a margarita and celebrated by myself. i hadn't eaten all day so it was nice to relax. i did get a little sad, seeing that i had no one to share the good news with. i couldn't stop crying while i was eating so i went to the restroom and cried. then i composed myself and went back out to continue lunch. i was ok after that but it's just those moments that make me really miss my husband. i did write allen since i hadn't heard from him in a while and mailed our absentee ballots and got a card for Amen's wedding.

today was a great day!

Today I voted...

2008-10-22T21:33:00.001-07:00

:-)

show me your teeth

2008-10-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

I spent Sunday afternoon photographing my niece Mia, but she was so hard to keep still! Her hair was unkempt and all over her face, she wouldn't stay still, and she was just so distracted, trying to play. She really just wanted to be left alone, but I wouldn't let her...This series is called Show Me Your Teeth, only because she is growing some and she still enjoys showing them off!

keeping busy!

2008-10-19T12:21:00.000-07:00

I have two loves right now, my camera and my ipod touch! i love it so much, i carry my ipod around with me everywhere and i can check the internet when there's free wireless - which is most places. except when i drive, i can't access internet...i am crazy over jewel quest, it is soooo addicting!
this is my niece mia - why do i always have the feeling that she just tolerates me and pays me no attention whatsoever!

this is one my my former students Dr. Omandi, he is now in DC getting ready to match! Good luck OC!

more work family, really, just family - mary, molly, joanne and me during a get together at work...

pam, amen and i walked by this sign in DC. i thought it was so true!
last night's party at casa latina rocked! Pam with some of our students in UWSOM!

Pam bid on this photo and won!!!! it was nerve wracking!

David (my boss), Pam (my colleague) and me - this was as dressed up as I could be, since i had to be in class from 8 to 5 that day and ran from school to the gala! i had this satin shirt and vest, with my pearls on and my chanel bag that i got in Paris 8 years ago...

this was on the wall in school - some teachers had created it to show diversity in religion, beliefs, values, language, etc. it was a huge mural and i couldn't quite capture it all in one picture...

update

2008-10-08T22:51:00.000-07:00

getting ready to go on a business trip to DC, just a short one this time. been pretty busy at work, and the stress level is pretty high. of course it doesn't help that i got home and found that my laptop was NOT in my purse, like it should be....i can only hope that i left it at work....please, please, please! i can't take it if someone steals it - all my school work and photos and work files are in it! it's my work computer and i got my life in it! seriously... i would just die if it's gone. so i hope, hope, hope that it's in my office and i just absent mindedly just left it sitting out in my office. i swear it would be just one more thing that goes wrong!

Submitted!

2008-09-24T21:47:00.001-07:00

I'm so proud of myself...I finally turned in my dissertation proposal and my written exam last night...it was a week late but I am happy I got it done despite my busy busy life. I still got to do all the work around it, but I hate the writing so much that I couldn't wait to get it turned in.. So I am so glad. This weekend is craft day, and I can't wait to do some creative stuff with my friends...that was my motivation for finishing my work. I'm going to post some pics of our day together.

finally...a dream!

2008-09-17T21:06:00.000-07:00

i dreamed about my husband the other night...i was in our bedroom, standing up and he came in through the door, and I was surprised. he looked good, his face was very smooth and young looking, he had his black printed long sleeved polo shirt on and denim pants. i asked something like "where have you been?" and he said something like "minding my own business.." or something to that effect, and as he came close to me, i proceeded to touch him and i woke up. just like that. then i realized he just came to me in a dream, and wanted to remember everything about it. i feel comforted that he finally has appeared to me in this way, and that he apparently is doing ok...i cried a little but i was happy that he thought i was ready now to receive him in my dream. as you know, i have been waiting for this moment. it has been rough the last few months as i wondered in my heart how he is doing, if he is at peace. i am convinced that now he is ok, and that i am ok enough to know.

i have been waiting for this moment and it has finally come and my husband looked so good, so healthy, his face smooth without worries. thank you God for this gift of grace. i am elated and yet i miss him so....

remembering the good stuff

2008-09-07T19:48:00.000-07:00

today was a pretty emotional day for me. it started out with me trying to find something that i could bring with me to the providence memorial remembrance at 2 pm. this was the second of two annual memorials they did, and i decided to attend it, all the while planning that jamila was going to be with me...so i went through my stuff, looking for photos, mementos, etc. i thought i would take perhaps his cell phone, since i miss hearing his voice, or a photo but i thought, that would surely make me cry. i tried to look for his AA daily meditation book but couldn't find it. finally, as i looked through my desk, i found the stack of love letters that matthew wrote to me before we got married. and i just about lost it....

he always accused me of misplacing his letters but of course i would tell him no, i have each and every one of them. i think he wrote me about 80 letters over a 9 month period. i wrote him too, but i have no idea where those might be. his letters are, to me, more precious than gold...

when we were first going together, we got separated because some members of my family were against him - he was black, an excon, older. so many reasons why we shouldn't be together. but as we were separated, he in prison, and me pregnant with our oldest, these letters got me through what then was the most difficult time of my life. i think there are about 80 letters in all, and i haven't re-read through all of them in a while but always thought i should publish these in a book. talk about encouragement, love, respect, passion, challenge, perseverance. somehow these letters came to me, from 500o miles across the ocean, him in a cell in walla walla, me in a tiny room, hiding from everyone (because i was pregnant - back in those days, you didn't flaunt pregnancy when you're unmarried).

anyhow, there's more to the story but the point i was trying to make was i found his letters and i just started crying and sobbing, hugging the pieces of paper, close to me, tears falling down on them, smelling them, looking at them, knowing his hands touched them 27 years ago, and i touch them now like no time has passed in between.

it's been 7 months since he passed and i truly was beginning to think that my grieving was, for all intents and purposes, "over". well, it's not and i am still in pain. very much so. and i miss him so so very much. this discovery started a wave of fresh tears, each time i thought i about him, looked at his picture, touched his cell phone, sat by his desk where he worked. it is unbearably sad for me to be thinking about this, and i carried this thought with me through the memorial, unable to speak, unable to fully engage. i was just "there" and if it weren't for Joe, who also showed up, I would have just sat there, unable to move, except for the tears streaming down my face.

these letters mean so much to me, it was my proof positive, my evidence, that our story really began there, 27 years ago. and that he really really did love me from the very beginning and that i meant the world to him. he would in fact write this, "you mean the world to me" and i believed him of course, and knew this to be the truth.

i also found another journal of his today, and in one entry from July 2000, he wrote that one of his goals was to "feel proud of what my wife is driving. I see her riding with the top down". he never did, of course, as i lost interest in convertibles a few years back but it was so beautiful for me to read that and to see it in his handwriting. he had a vision of what the perfect life would be for him and he had the uncanny ability to convince everyone he loved that all of that was completely and unequivocably possible. this ability give hope to others while remaining true to one's self was the single most wonderful thing i loved about my husband. this is the same quality that everyone who knows him loves about him, no matter how hopeless a situation they seemed to be in...

my husband and i were partners, in every sense of the word. i am joyful over the fact that i can remember this side of him, rather than the disease that took him away from me. this was a gift from him, i know, so i can remember the good stuff and stop agonizing over the sad stuff.

he was a very special person and my soul mate and my partner forever.

happy birthday mandela!

2008-09-07T19:32:00.000-07:00

Mandela turned 22 yesterday Sept 6. It was a very low key event, we just went out to the lunch chinese buffet, went to the mall and then church. we were going to go to the casino but i felt sleepy around 11 pm so we skipped that, which was just as well, since i was pretty tired....

here's a picture of mia enjoying the eggroll...

mandela and jamila getting ready to eat at Super China Buffet...

this is us on the way to the super buffet...

jamila, mandela and jp....

mia, mandela and tita jehlee...

mandela with tita pinky, and mamaluz...

we were pretty stuffed after indulging in all the good food, and ideally i would have gone to naptime, but the mall beckons! i hope mandela had fun, even though it was his first birthday without his dad...it was a little tough for me...the more holidays come and go, the more i realize he is gone and i miss him so much. so today, the day after his birthday, i am fixing him a dinner of spaghetti and cake and jamila and i plan to sing happy birthday to him since we didn't get to do it at the buffet yesterday....

one foot in front of the other

2008-08-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

my friend tips sent me a few more pictures from our day together at Morong Church. I expecially liked these two - the door is a nice brown shade and matches my hair color :-) and the top one even makes it seem like I have a waistline! nice. thanks tips!

well i am fully adjusted to being back in seattle, even went to church today, Saturday, as usual. it is getting cooler, and as i look out into my yard, those apprehensions about the lawn is making me nauseous again. i especially hate yard work, i'm sooooo glad Mandela did a lot while i was gone. work went well this week, it was busy but not so unbearably so. i got the internet working again in my house - joel said to unplug and plug the router and cable, so i did and magically reset the internet. i am happy again!

oh and i had a wonderful dinner with my faculty mentor and her hubby yesterday at Ivars. he's going to the Philippines for a lecture series and we chatted about things to expect, see, etc. we had a great relaxing dinner and conversation. i wish i was going back soon! i doubt it though. as a matter of fact, i need to be doing some school work right now!

anyhow, enjoy these pictures...i hope you like them.

i did see my dad when i went home and had a nice visit with him. he's getting old, but doing ok, health wise. he carried the backpack i gave him all the way home, even though it was a little heavy. didn't get to see my little brother though, as he was in school and the rain made it difficult to travel. i enjoyed seeing my dad - i wish he was a lot closer....

thanks for looking!

just checking in

2008-08-26T18:25:00.000-07:00

i am here, i made it home and have been so busy with work already. I held a workshop today in Pt. Townsend for the medical student orientation. I've had fun sharing my experiences with family, friends and coworkers. Some of these have been hella funny, some sad, some halacious (sp?). I've been thinking about what to write now that i am home and i think I will write about the halo halos I tried while i was gone. I think I tried about 6 or 7 brands. I can still savor the taste in my mouth. Which one was the best? Wait and find out.

I've been having trouble with internet access at home so I havent been able to write much. Now that i am back in the city mode and orientation is over, I can get back to my routine. Oh and yes I finished a paper for school today between 4 am and 6 am. Now I gotta turn it in.

Check you later!

signing off from the PI

2008-08-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

we're leaving the philippines in less than 12 hours. as we finish packing, i can only look back on how much fun I have had, and reminded of the love and sharing of family and friends. i dont want to say goodbye because it is too too sad. i want to say c u later, and hopefully be able to come back next year or the year after. i hate these long goodbyes.

i've had a great, joyful, wonderful time. i couldn't ask for anything more from sally, al, cherry, tips, nini, and my entire family. thank you for your generosity and patience and love. i will c u l8tr.

Morong church

2008-08-21T03:27:00.001-07:00

Tips and I went on a daytrip to Cainta, Rizal to a 400 year old church. When we got there we caught a traditional funeral procession complete with marching band, hearse and a throng of people. Then we explored the church itself, where a small baptism was going on. As we were leaving, Julio, the caretaker offered to take us to the Bell Tower, which was high atop the church tower. The tower was very old, and the stairwell was almost a complete vertical spiral. Young Julio was skipping his way up to the tower while I dragged behind, almost out of breath by the time we got to the top. I think it might have been a 5 story hike, straight up. It was worth it, though, cause we saw the old bell, dated about 1600s. The townspeople don't really know how the bell got to the top, and Julio told us the church itself was built entirely by the hands of Filipino workers, indentured by the Spanish colonizers. He didn't know too much more about the history of the church but we greatly appreciated the special treatment!

This is the funeral procession about to leave the church grounds.

outside view of Morong Church

closer view of the bell tower

there were lots of nooks and crannies in the church, worthy of exploration

view from the inside, probably of an old baptismal font

a mammoth old door

view from the balcony

tips, as Julio was closing the church doors

me

Tips and Julio up in the bell tower

the stairwell up the tower. it was very narrow, barely enough to fit one person at a time and very steep

tips up the stairs

tips and I in the bell tower

the old bell tower - there were smaller bells around the big bell. each small bell was rung for a specific occasion, like a wedding, baptism, funeral, or mass services.

tips went all the way up to the top and took this picture of me down below.

after our church trip, we had lunch in taytay then had halo halo at Manila Peninsula which was supposed to be one of the best. It comes close, except the price is a little high. It was quite creamy though, and we had fun with it!

halo halo

2008-08-20T06:47:00.000-07:00

so my mom and i went back to greenhills to do a bit more shopping (yes we braved the rain and the taxi had to get through the flooded streets) for our trip back home. we had lunch with gay and cherry and then had halo halo later at chow king. halo halo is my favorite food - but sad to say, the best i have had has got to be the red ribbon version in california. nevertheless, we had a wonderful meal together and love this picture of cherry!

this is at chow king...delicious!

me, mamaluz, gay at the chinese restaurant...

better settings on my camera!

yummy!

mini reunion 2008!

2008-08-20T06:10:00.000-07:00

one of the reasons i came home this august is a scheduled reunion with my girlfriends on 8/08/08. four of us were scheduled to go home and we finally got together as a group yesterday afternoon. so sepin, tatty, tips and i had merienda at tiendesitas and then dinner at serendra, a new outdoor concept mall on Bonifacio Avenue, in a new place called Global City. it felt good to get caught up on our lives - we talked about all kinds of things! here's some pictures to share. my camera was a little off in the settings and I didnt notice till later that evening so the pictures are a little blurred.

sepin and tips at mario's restaurant...

sepin, tips and tatty....

sepin and tatty...

appearing pa-cute...

me and sepin...

tips and me....

tips and tatty...

the four of us at kabiseras in serendra...the dinner was great.

i like this picture a lot!

sepin flew in from the London, I flew in from Seattle, and Tatty flew in from Dubai, Tips is a local. So we really had global representation from all parts of the world! It was wonderful catching up with old friends.

a new nurse in the family!

2008-08-20T05:42:00.001-07:00

my niece tracy anne took her oath as a nurse the yesterday and we had a small celebration at home. we all couldnt attend the ceremony but I have a few pics to share.

this is me eating green mangoes. it was really, really sour but yummy!

tata arrives home and sister pau presents her with a dozen roses from the family...

this is a photo fan took of the event.

tata and friend...

the llamas family with the spread. we had goldilocks cake, coconut pandan salad, dinuguan, puto, tofu and pork, green mangoes, and tita tess' world famous baked macaroni....

the 3 sisters...

me, tata, mamaluz, and mom sally...

we had a bunch of visitors, my uncles and aunts from mindanao also came, but i had to leave by the time they got there so no photos. cherry had a doctors appointment, and arrived much later. overall it was a super day!

trouble in mindanao

2008-08-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

we also went to the cemetery to visit my brother Joel's grave. Also went to Sta. Clara Monastery to offer prayers for family and friends.

the ground was soaking/sinking wet from all the rain. we were trying to squat lower on the ground but afraid we wouldnt be able to get back up!

this isn't our car - it's janice's...

this is my mom and her granddaughter pau.

this is actually padre pio church...

well the milf (moro islamic liberation front) forces are inching towards kapatagan this evening. all the male residents were called to a meeting to discuss the events of the day and to prepare them for the coming violence and troubles ahead. in many ways it is good my family is here in manila instead of there. in other ways it is REAL GOOD we didn't go there last week to visit, otherwise we would be stuck in the south. all modes of transportation have been cut off and discontinued. the concern right now is with family and friends down there, who are unable to leave. this is an uneasy night, no one will be able to sleep well at all.

despite the troubling events of this evening, my aunt and uncles still got together to chat and spend time together. these events are unfortunately, common, in the town where my family is from (lanao del norte). that is why I haven't been able to go home in more than 25 years. we had a mini family reunion even though our hearts are heavy with concern and fear.

this is carl, mark, auntie dora, with my sisters cherry and sally

group picture

mom, uncle herculo and uncle ching

cousins carlo and annie

the four dequina siblings - uncle, auntie filipinas, mamaluz and uncle herculo

the dequina family

group photo

most of the crew

Overall today was a good day, despite the problems down south. i only hope for a quick and safe resolution.

Hangin out in the city

2008-08-16T23:17:00.000-07:00

this is a 4 day weekend in Quezon city because of Ninoy Aquino day so people are kinda hangin around, some are out of town, but it's raining so we're just relaxing at home. the sun is coming out a bit now since the rain stopped. yesterday we went to greenhills again and went shopping. tips picked me up and we went to lunch at the little store on the hill, the best fresh lumpia in the entire philippine islands and then tips and i went shopping. she bought a size 0 (that's zero) petite dress. i didnt even know such a size existed. i got jamila some skinny jeans and some tops, ate some suman, and some shoes for my niece mia. i did good, didnt spend too much money and had fun in the process.

later on last night, we cranked up the karaoke mic and sang till 130 in the morning. at least, that's when i gave up - they were still going when i went to bed. mandela emailed me and told me how hot it is in seattle now. i am so looking forward to getting some sun in Seattle!

the little store on the hill where tips and i ate lunch

people watching at greenhills

fan, ta, and mara posing during karaoke night

this is pau

back to the little store on the hill - full of chinese goods

shopping for goodies - this is ampao

i liked how the bottles were arranged neatly

my mom's side of the family, visiting from Mindanao

mamaluz, uncle herculo, and auntie filipinas

tita gagang and uncle herculo posing in front of their dream house (actually the neighbors')

waiting for the rest of the group at greenhills

i'm having a great time spending time with my family and friends. i really shouldnt wait too long in between visits - in other words, i really should be visitin more often!

Week 2 so far

2008-08-13T18:15:00.000-07:00

My friends Babes, Tips and I went to Punchline (a comedy bar) last night and had a great time. It was one of those things where the emcee can pick on you especially if you sit up front. We sat in the very back (of course) and enjoyed the view from there, feeling somewhat protected from the bashing that was going on onstage. All the lead acts were gay (except for two) and there was a lot of dirty humor going around.

This is me, tips and sepin...

this is the lead act onstage, Vice Ganda - he was great, very witty, very quick on his feet, a wonderful singer and I loved his pacing and back and forth with his two coemcees.

this is rr from wowowee who sang a couple of songs. I know joel and aaron would have "appreciated" being there last night! she called a few guys onstage to tease and play along with.

sally, fan, ta, cherry and mom at trinoma food court

Tiffany and Tracy Anne

me and my niece pao - we were playing around like we were "shy" - we're not!!!

ta, gabbie and miko

my uncle herculo flew into manila to spend time with my mom. he's one of my favorite uncles - very hardworking, gentle hearted and protective. he works the land.

cherry "modeling" on the runway

so this is midpoint of my visit here and i've been to a few places and spent so much money but I'm having a wonderful time with my family and friends. it really is about the experiences, not the "stuff" and i am so grateful that i have this opportunity. i still have a few more things to do, but those will happen very soon. the weather hasnt been perfect in terms of sun or rain - last night there was a huge downpour with big big drops of rain. but i am totally enjoying getting around the city with my sisters.

Nineveh

2008-08-10T06:03:00.000-07:00

We visited an art gallery in Santa Cruz, Laguna which was referred to us by the owner of the B&B resort owner, Ms. Vinya. So off we went to the Nineveh gallery, (owner Louie Sevilla) hoping to take a look at some of the local oil paintings by local artists. Sepin and I scored a couple of paintings - she got one by Brenda Fajardo who we actually took a class from in college, and I got one from an artist named Dominic Rubio. We got to immerse ourselves in the world of art for an afternoon. We looked through all his collection on the second floor, in the shed, there were paintings, collages, everywhere - some were lifesize up to 5 feet tall, some were solid wood carvings - It was another memorable discovery...(I didnt take pictures of the gallery itself since I didnt want to infringe on the artist's copyright, but trust me...it was amazing). He did have us take a picture of one of the paintings because of its interesting effects....

this was a 2d painting but when you take a photo, it seems to jump out at you in full 3d effect! totally unexpected.

this was in his garden...

this was the painting I bought.

The gallery owner, Louie Sevilla, took this photo of us three...

this is a Philippine eagle (not endangered.)

He had a monkey in his backyard (sorry I am not good with my zoology)

an artist friend made this tableau for him. the sto nino in the middle is made from reclaimed ivory from billiard balls.

The gallery was named Nineveh after the death of his 6 year old son a few years ago. He turned to religion and made his home into a seminary. The gallery used to be a monastery for a small sect of monks who later on disbanded. Louie was one of them. After the monastery was disbanded, he turned it into a gallery since he had a lot of artist friends, most of whom are local Laguna artists. He served us some good strong coffee and kalamay while we conferenced outside about which paintings to buy. Pretty heady stuff for an aspiring artist like me!

Thanks for looking!

more eye candy from San Pablo!

2008-08-10T04:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my friends and I visited a potter/clay artist in San Pablo Laguna, named Ugu Bigyan. He had a beautiful studio filled with eye candy and beautiful pottery made in his own kiln. He had a small restaurant and studio where he actually worked and lived. All these photos were taken with our tiny point and shoot digital cameras.

his main entrance

the walkway to his home

close up of his front patio

entrance to the restaurant

some pottery on display, drying in the sun

Mr. Ugu Bigyan himself in his gallery with a new avid fan...

My friend Babes Zarate took the next four pictures of his bedroom, dining room, living room.

I took these next few pictures. I could live here!

this doesnt even look like the philippines to me! but it is....

enjoy!

san pablo, laguna

2008-08-09T06:52:00.000-07:00

Today was our first real sunny day and I was on an out of town trek with my girlfriends. we went to some awesome locations for R and R and found myself inspired with the visual eye candy that was all over the place! Here's a sneak peak.... these are photos from casa san pablo, where we stayed for the night.

hammocks!

the door outside the mess hall/kitchen...

a nice place to sit and admire the native flowers....

woman guarding the food....

guess who!

the doorway to the mess hall where we enjoyed traditional filipino food....

the patio outside of our cottage

i really liked the old doll - made me think of my friend sandy

I took this photo on 8/8/08 so the room number 8 had a special significance to me, not to mention how pretty the wall looked with the distressed blue green paint....

one of the cottages had this pretty pink paint and lime green accents...

some sort of a vine that was growing on the wall

this was the bathroom in the kitchen mess hall....

more later!

too full!

2008-08-05T04:54:00.000-07:00

I am in the philippines visiting. i arrived aug 3rd after a long 16 hour trip from seattle. I am exhausted but so looking forward to the rest. I took this trip for therapy, it's been a rough year. I just needed to get away from work, from the stresses of the year, from the long journey of my husband's illness and loss. My mom decided to come along as well since she hasnt been home in 10 years. So here we are. i am very happy to be with my two sisters. i have missed them so much. sometimes we need breaks like this when we can physically and mentally detach from the everyday routine. i dont have any huge itineraries, just time with family and friends.

this is us eating at Max in Ali Mall Cubao. We were enjoying our halo halo! yummy...

do you see me admiring the umbrella?

This is Tata, Bridgette and Fan eating dinner at home last night, we had smoked fish and bittersweet melon with rice.

oops, I had my hair cut at Trinoma mall. I really like my hair cut!

this is my uncle, auntie, mom and sister Cherry eating Krispy sisig at Dencio's at the mall.
so we've done nothing but eat filipino food since we've been here. When we got here Sunday night we went straight to the Tapsi place to eat tapas-sinangag (fried rice) and eggs. It hit the spot. Then the next day we went to the mall to the exchange booth, and went shopping right away. I think I've spent half my allowance in two days! and I still have 2 and a half weeks to go!

Today my sister Cherry and friend Nini went to the market to get some tropical fruits - we had santol, lanzones, atis, and avocado, mangos and bananas. It was really good and fresh, I had not had these in a long long time. These traditional fruits are not anywhere near Seattle!

Tomorrow we head over to Baclaran for first Wednesday mass. I may also see my high school girlfriends. We're planning a short weekend trip this Friday.

Today we also went to the Sanctorium to visit my cousin who passed away last year. It was quite emotional for us. He was only 21 when he died of heart failure. I still have to visit my brother's grave - the rain has made it a bit hard to navigate the city. I still have to see the sun, as it has rained every day since i've been here and its been cloudy. It's warm though, about 88 degrees and 70% humidity. I feel pretty comfortable though with the weather, it hasnt been too bad, in fact it's been tolerable.

So i'm pretty excited about going to church tomorrow, it's sort of a tradition to go to church on the first Wed of every month.

Ok, i gotta go, Allen's dad is here to pick something up from me. I will keep you posted!

A dream and a ring

2008-07-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

So Mandela dreamed about his Dad the other day. Or should I say that his Dad visited him in his dream the other day. We were eating dinner with Jamila, him and me, and his Dad was there eating along with us in his black robe. Apparently, Mandela and I were in disbelief or shock that he's there, and Jamila was unaware of anything. Anyhow so Matthew asked him how he was doing and he said fine. He then told him not to forget about his black heritage...and that was it...i thought it was cool since he hadn't visited me yet in my dreams. I have had nothing but dreamless sleep since Matthew passed...

On another issue, I finally took off my wedding ring about 5 days ago...it was difficult. I asked his permission. The main thing that got me to really think about it was when I was talking with my sister last week and how emotional I got when I think about or talk about him...She told me that if I don't let him go, he won't be able to rest in peace and I happened to look down at my hand and saw my wedding ring. So that got me thinking about my ring and how it symbolized our ties to one another. It got me thinking that maybe I do need to let that part of our love go so he can rest in peace and do what he needs to do in his next life. Does this seem weird to you? I guess it just makes sense in my mind. So I went to the cemetery, visited and asked his permission. It's not that I am not grieving anymore, I just want to set him free, symbolically...So I took off my wedding ring and have a different ring in its place. I look at my finger frequently and it is strange not to have a wedding ring on it, since I've had one for over 25 years. I feel ok about this decision though.

Thinking about Mandela's dream and Matthew in his robe, I thought wouldnt it be funny if that was his way of telling us - let go of my clothes? I am slowly getting through this, and I think I am getting to the point of being ok with putting some (not all) of his things away. I don't think I can do it right now, maybe when i return from my trip. But I am thinking about is it time to do this, is he sending me these signs or messages in different ways? Or is it all my own personal interpretation. Maybe it doesn't matter, but I do pay attention to these things because I do believe that we exist in some form after we pass over. I feel like this is his way of sending me messages....What do you think?

birthday day

2008-07-12T20:46:00.000-07:00

today is matthew's birthday. i'm making it through i think. i went to the cemetery early in the morning with my mom. we brought flowers and prayed the rosary. then i had a small barbeque for my family, just burgers and hotdogs. it was fun - small and sweet but we had a lot of food. we ate a lot! the weather held up, it's still 75 degrees out there and it's almost 9 pm.

i really miss my hubby. still no dream. this morning though i asked him for a sign that he was with me - i've been having a very rough few weeks with my daughter. so when i got back in the car and turned the ignition on, guess what was playing - amy winehouse's "rehab" - that was my sign and i got it....my hubby was clean and sober for 25 years....

i'm sorry i havent written in a while. i've been busy with work. been going to two migrant camps now in bellingham and mt vernon - i work 16 hour days when the camps are going on. it's way crazy. but i love it. i do. i get home and pass out on my bed - then i gotta get up and do it all over again. some days i have to get to work at 730 am and don't come home till 11 pm.

its strawberry picking time. last week a family gave us a bag of strawberries. it was so sweet, so unlike what you get at the store....then come to find out that they only get paid $.16 cents per pound of strawberries they pick. And how much are strawberries at the store??? would you be willing to work all day for 16 cents a pound? just asking.

hectic

2008-06-27T00:06:00.000-07:00

my summer programs started last Sunday and it's been crazy at work...then of course, right at the same time, i get sick and catch this crazy cold that is really bothering my sinuses and giving me headaches. i am not a big medicine taker but today finally i took an excedrin. it helped some.

i am trying to work out as well, going on my elliptical machine every day if i can. i do enjoy working out and wish i had an ipod...i have a shuffle so ive been listening to the same songs over and over again when i work out...i'm waiting to get the iphone after july 11 and switch to at&t so i can see my electronic appointments when i am at work. right now i can't since i have no service from t mobile inside the hospital while at & t does. anyhow...

we watched love guru the other day, and what a stupid, silly movie - funny and i laughed out loud a few times. the next one i want to see is 27 dresses (thats on dvd) and maybe hancock and possibly horton hears a who...the kids and i are enjoying watching movies - a couple hours of escape.

ok i really should be doing homework now so i better go...it's supposed to be hot this weekend, and i am definitely going to have to get suntan lotion and take advantage!

counting down - 5 weeks to go before i leave for the philippines...!

We did it!

2008-06-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

mandela at the beginning of the ceremony!

celebrating with friends at the end of the day...

here we are, with family. Alina took this picture...

Mandela graduated from college this weekend, and we're all so proud of him. He was really happy with being done, i'm just not so sure he's happy with coming back home though, since he's been on his own for 4 years! I need advice on how to handle this next phase of our life, because I want him to continue to be independent and on his own...should i encourage him to move out soon? start charging rent? let him live at home for a while? I dont know - what do you think, how should i approach this?

In any event, I am so happy and proud of him. Yes I did get a little teary eyed that Matthew was not there physically to share in the joy but I know he was there in spirit...it was a bittersweet feeling.

today being fathers day was also a bit surreal. My kids did really well though and no extremes today - we've had a busy day with packing his stuff up and moving him out of the dorm. I'm sort of stressing about how we 're going to do at the airport checkin! With 10 suitcases and 5 carry ons, we're going to have to make several trips to the airport!

On Thursday we went to this place called the Mystery Spot in Santa Cruz where these folks built a house that was not level. It creates weird effects on your perception and feelings. I got a bit dizzy and disoriented so I decided not to continue with the tour but here's some photos the rest of the group took!

this is my friend trish trying out the mystery house...

lined up from shortest to tallest - or are they?

same people, lined up reverse, now who's the tallest?

she's not falling, she's standing up straight but she looks like she's falling because of the angle in which the house is built. The folks who work there claim that it's because the magnetic forces of the place are different but in reality, the skeptic in me thinks that the architects just did a really good job building a stable place what was out of level in the first place...!

pretty cool huh?

this entry's for DG

2008-06-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

Last weekend my craft pod and I met briefly for a short craft adventure. We went to Big Lots and went shopping for deals (found a few) then returned to Adora's home to craft. I was totally being inspired by chanel via a neck chain that i saw on this saleslady at Nordstrom. So I put rub ons on an inexpensive pearl necklace I found at Penney's and embellished words on it. I love the final effect, although the photo above is a blurred (tough close up). I havent worn it yet but am looking forward to the opportunity to do so...it's way cool (at least I thought so!)

I am in Cali right now to attend my youngest son's college graduation on Saturday and I'm pretty excited. The weather is 80 degrees and some family and friends are able to make it. I am so proud of him and all that he has accomplished even through the tough times he's had - from getting hit by a car in Jan 07 to his Dad's passing this year. He's a tough guy and I love him so much!

memorial day

2008-05-25T23:41:00.000-07:00

today is the day most americans visit the cemetery and remember family and friends who have passed on. i've been going to the cemetery regularly this month to visit matthew...i don't know if i wrote about that previously or not...sometimes at my lunch break, sometimes on my way home, sometimes on the weekends. anyhow, i just wanted to share this photo, hope you don't find it too grim. it's a picture of the marker his sister and I picked out and installed on his grave.

it's black with gold specks on the marble. it has the AA symbol on the top right and left along with a flying eagle in the middle. they put the flower vase at the bottom of the marker (I would have preferred the top) but it works...i am glad I had that installed. i got the flowers from costco last thursday. i thought it was pretty and cheerful. it was quite hot last saturday when i went. i pulled out my folding chair and sat for a little while. it was nice and peaceful and quiet - lots of folks had already come by and placed flowers on the graves by the time i got there at around 330 pm. i was a little late since i had my nephews working on the yard and couldn't get away earlier...

not a day goes by that i dont miss my hubby. there are many moments within a day when i sit in disbelief and denial that he is really gone. i still have groceries i bought in the cupboard that i bought for him, cans of soup still unopened and food in the freezer from my cowrokers who visited him a week before he passed. he would be so proud of how i've taken care of the yard and how good the grass looks today. he would even be so proud of how well jamila is doing this week, considering how rough last week was.

going to the memorial park isn't grim or depressing to me, in fact i find it very comforting. now i understand why my aunt planted flowers around her husband's grave and cared for them for months. it wasn't really the plants or the flowers, but the time she ended up spending at the park close to her husband's resting place. how she had to get down on her knees to clear the leaves and clean the marble. how she had to touch the grass and the ground around him, the only thing physical that was both a barrier and a shared space between the two of them. it was an exercise in grieving and i too find that thought comforting, instead of morbid. why would anybody want to spend time in a cemetery? now i understand why and i can relate. and i find myself wanting to do the same thing...

somewhow it seems weird to put this picture on the internet. the image is so powerful for me, i feel like i'm actually there at the park. it symbolizes really, why i am on my plan b and what my life is now. it's strange but real...

concentrating

2008-05-25T23:26:00.000-07:00

this is mia as she watches her dvd in the car. we're heading out to the mall from church and she loves the mickey mouse show so much, she's captivated by it every time...don't you wish you could all just immerse yourself in something the way kids can?

and now she has SIX teeth...four on top and two at the bottom but you can't see too well in this picture.

mom is already worried about braces...braces! mia is just the cutest little girl ever, bringing so much joy to our family all over the world....

craft day

2008-05-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

we had craft day in my home last weekend, and these were some of the cards we made. i made the top five cards, sandy and adora made the rest. i think sandy made all the tags. we had so much fun - talking, eating, watching celine dion dvd, creating. for a moment things felt normal once again, and i could not believe i actually made 7 cards in one sitting! i think it's been months since i've done any crafting!

all through the day though it seemed to me that matthew was just going to walk out of our bedroom to eat lunch while we cut and pasted...but of course this was not to be...so thinking of that made me a little sad.

i've been going to the cemetery a few times in the last two weeks. i find great comfort in being in the same place where he is laid to rest...i just go and sit. the first time i went, i forgot to bring flowers and i had to pick (steal, really!) some flowers off the magnolia tree by his grave. the next few times, i remembered to bring flowers. it's not too far from my office so it's totally do-able over my lunchtime, even on my way home.

i finally bought tickets to fly to the philippines in august with my mom. i am looking forward to it, it's been three years, believe it or not! i hope to see some friends and to be with my family. i know that matthew would want me to go if i could work out my fare and my schedule. i miss him.

the matthew project

2008-05-15T16:52:00.001-07:00

Jamila started a blog about her Dad! The link is www.thematthewprojectwearenotalone.blogspot.com

I hope you all check it out. It would really help us. Thanks!

happy mother's day!

2008-05-09T21:42:00.000-07:00

i found this on my front steps today...

i opened it up and here's what i found...

with a note from my youngest son Mandela that said "Hope you're having a great mother's day weekend...i love you so much, you can always count on me." - tears of joy!

untitled

2008-04-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

wow i've been having a rough few days. the loss of her dad is finally hitting my daughter the last couple of weeks or so and it has been rough. it's hard enough dealing with my own emotions. i don't know how i'm going to do this. it's so hard living with someone with bipolar. my husband was good at this. he would know just the right thing to say and do. i'm the one with less patience. i am forcing myself to just try to hold on and keep my sanity and balance.

i'm going to take a deep breath now...

tear soup

2008-04-12T20:11:00.000-07:00

I went to a grief support group today.

it was powerful, sad, yet comforting. in attendance were several folks - two sisters who lost their 80 year old mother; a woman who lost her husband of 50 years in January; a young guy who lost his wife of 8 years; a middle aged man who lost his wife of 28 years; a young lady in a wheel chair who lost her mom two weeks ago; and me...all of us suffered recent losses - january, february, march.

we watched a video called Tear Soup. you can watch a teaser here... http://www.griefwatch.com/ it was based on a book by Pat Schwiebert & Chuck DeKlyen - it was written like a children's book, but really it is for everyone, young and old alike. It was about a woman named Grandy who suffered a loss in her life and who was making tear soup, a metaphor for how she dealt with her grief. i got a copy of the book, it was extremely powerful for me....

i learned quite a bit - that grieving is messy; that making tear soup takes a long time. i can take the good and bad memories and put it into my soup. sometimes i make my tear soup alone. sometimes my tear soup overflows with memories. Some people came to add words to my tear soup. Some people can only take a small cup of other people's tear soup. Sometimes someone else makes tear soup with me...tear soup is a way to sort through your feelings when you lose someone.

of course, everyone cried in the group during the video and after - the women AND the men. big tears, and tears that seemed to come from the painful pit where your heart used to be. the pain between us felt the same all around. it was familiar. i could feel it and it was comforting. it was good to hear other people feeling what i was feeling.

this guy Joe, I knew from the UW. i recognized him. I didnt' know he just lost his wife...again it shows me that i never really know what's going on in other people's lives. you walk by someone everyday as you do your job, never stopping to think what pain they must be going through. seeing him at the grief support group taught me that lesson.

i shared my thoughts about being in the same house that matthew passed away. how i don't want this to be remembered as the house where my husband passed away...it is a place of good memories and laughter and get togethers and meals. i also shared that i was wondering why he hasn't talked to me in my dreams yet...by the end of the meeting, i concluded it probably was because i'm not ready yet. one day out of the blue he will send me a sign that he is doing ok. then i can sleep in peace.

then maybe i can stop making my tear soup.

grief support is every second saturday of the month near seattle center at the providence hospice office.

babysitting

2008-04-09T09:55:00.000-07:00

i took today off for my daughter's birthday and ended up babysitting my almost one year old niece! there goes all my crafting plans because this baby is crawling all over the place. i barely had time this morning to sweep the floor (i have hardwood floors, not carpet) and mop. Anyhow, princess over here is snoring fast asleep - so I can do a little bit of stuff. The plan for the day is to go to lunch with my birthday girl Jamila and go shopping for some dinner take out for later this evening. We have a tradition of having noodles for long life on birthdays so we gotta do that! i'm keeping it easy though, i'm just doing take out...cool day!

happy birthday jamila! you are a special person and i am so proud to be your mom - i hope this next year brings you a year full of growth, joy and effervescence! you are special - enjoy it!

send me your dreams

2008-03-31T19:04:00.001-07:00

i was listening to npr today and i heard this in one of the episodes this morning. this has been exactly what i've been thinking of the last 6 weeks. i have been waiting for matthew to send me his dreams.

i've had only dreamless sleep since matthew passed. i keep asking myself why am i not dreaming, more so, why am i not dreaming about him? it has baffled me and i have been waiting. i just want a sign that he's ok, that he's present and that we're still connected somehow.

i finally did dream a couple of days ago and matthew was in it but it was weird cause he really didn't do or say anything, he was just there...he looked healthy, but he looked sort of sad...i've been waiting for a message. maybe it will never come. maybe it will come when i least expect it...

honey, i have been sending you my dreams. i've been waiting for you to send me yours. can you hear me?

faith

2008-03-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

today i saw a big banner that said faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the entire staircase...i guess this is where i am right now, at the bottom rung...going up i hope, but not sure how high the staircase goes. going through life alone is probably not the absolute worst thing in the world as many people do this everyday, sometimes all their life, and sometimes by choice. i have a friend who has absolutely no family in the entire world, and goes through life alone. how do they do it? how do they manage to be happy and secure and joyful? how do they manage to have faith in the unknown?

i know i am not alone, as i am surrounded by family and friends everywhere.
but having known what it's like to have somebody to love and who loves me, i don't know if i can make it any other way....perhaps i am feeling too much self pity and only feeling sorry for myself. perhaps i should listen to the voices within me that say don't feel so sad, you are free to do whatever you want to do...but i don't even know what that means...

a few weeks ago i asked a friend what do women do when they are alone? she just smiled and said you create joy wherever you are with whoever you are inside...i hope one day i can understand what she means and maybe even learn how to do that....

greetings from nyc!

2008-03-22T19:52:00.000-07:00

here's some sneak peeks from our time in NYC...
mandela and mary on broadway "curtains"

Me at times square!

Cool store called Aphrodisia in Greenwich village...

Edison, me and Jamila on a break...

Mary and Jamila at the Apollo....

Amen and Abena at the UW booth...

A view from the streets of Greenwich village....

Bag vendors on the sidewalk!

Mandela by the David Letterman studio...

Jamila at the Grand Central Station where we broke for lunch....

Old friends Dr Manuel Sierra and Dr Gloria Sanchez....

Amen and me with NYC Congressman Conyers....

Jamila and Mandela in heaven at Virgin MegaStore....

Mandela on top of the tour bus...

Eden, Mary, Amen and me posing for SNMA....

The three of us at Times Square....

the good stuff

2008-03-05T19:54:00.000-08:00

grand canyon feb 2006celebrating remission in march 2006fighting the fremont troll

Matthew and me in front of the building we first met in June 1981.

with friend Peter from kenya. matthew wanted to go to africa.

with cousin Charles and sister Jackie

with niece Mia

in venice beach 2006

this might have been in an IHOP or Dennys or something. maybe fathers day?

with sister Jackie and mom Nevada

love this picture of him and jamila - he looked so handsome!

a rare group photo with all our kids.

matthew and mandela ocean shores 2003

matthew and mandela 2003

with margie and her kids, jamila and royale

with two of my sisters

we liked chinese food - another fathers day dinner i think

can you tell we liked eating out?

and traveling - ft lauderdale 2003

ft lauderdale feb 2007

the hard stuff

2008-03-03T21:22:00.000-08:00

a friend told me that in dealing with my grief there are some things others can help me with, and then there are those things that I will have to go through on my own. now that everyone has gone home and the flowers are gone and it's just me and my grief at home, it's really hitting me hard. the reality of what Matthew's loss really means in my life is just really making an impact on me. i first felt it Saturday night as I was people watching at the casino where my sisters took me. Everyone had their partners or spouses, and i was by myself. i never felt so lonely in my life, even though i was surrounded by hundreds of people. it just hit me pretty hard and i felt like crying at the restaurant. and a part of me was crying out, I had someone too and now he's gone.

i miss him so much. i spent all of yesterday at home, in my room, grieving. i never planned to be a widow so young and i never thought i would be rethinking my life at this point. yes i knew matthew was ill and we didn't have long, but i was not really thinking about what happens after. i was so busy trying to care for him, to make him comfortable and keeping the family going...but what about what happens after?

i'll walk with you

2008-02-27T12:46:00.000-08:00

my sister had a dream about matthew last night. it goes like this - matthew is looking well, gained a little weight, looks a little younger, and was writing on a piece of paper for my sister pinky - she asked him how much he loves his wife and he responds but she cant remember what he said. in her dream, he looked well, but having trouble moving his arm. his was at my sister's house. somehow i appear in the background and i say, "I think I'm gonna go take a walk." and Matthew responds, "I'll walk with you."
This may not be a big deal to anyone else but it's a big deal to me. just this last saturday a speaker i heard in our retreat said that compassion means you would "walk with someone". then last week I got a card for Jamila that said God walks beside you.... I believe it is a sign from Matthew that he is here with me, walking with me, and watching over me. i truly believe that.

today is a rough day. it's been two weeks. this may sound crazy but i called his cell phone just to hear his voice on the answering machine. 'Hi this is matt..." I wish i could talk to him. i miss him so much.

i gave his beloved motorcycle to his son yesterday. i gave his ring to Mandela last week. today I am wearing his gold necklace.

reading the last few entries brings back so much memories. how could i not have known those were the last days of his life? i guess there was no way to know.

trying

2008-02-18T18:30:00.000-08:00

we laid my husband to rest last saturday. it was a joyful occasion as we celebrated matthew's life. we wanted to celebrate his life, and not let death take over. it was difficult though to realize that he is gone. my hubby is gone and i am all alone. i know that i am loved by so many people - matthew's friends are my friends. but it's just not the same having my honey here with me. i was reading my prior posts and i remember how he tried to give me a big sloppy kiss while i was helping him stand. i will never have that back again.

i am trying to make it one day at a time. the kids are hanging in there. jamila talks all the time about her grief and feelings, mandela is silent and quietly grieves. i wish he would talk to me. i need him too.

a part of me is very much in disbelief that he is gone. i miss him so much. he's too young, only 60. it wasn't supposed to be this way...

one day at a time

2008-02-13T07:52:00.000-08:00

Feb 12 2008
Tuesday night

I lost my husband today at 7:33 pm.
He passed away as Jackie and I were changing him.
It was so sudden, I was stunned that it could happen today.
Even with all the preparation, I never expected it to be today.
Before he passed away, he labored a little with his breathing.
I thought he was getting ready to cry.
I don’t remember exactly what I said but I told him that I love him.
I told him that we will be ok.
I told him that he will be ok.
That we will take care of him.
Everything will be ok.

We went about our task and by the time we were done,
We realized he had stopped breathing.
I waited for him to start back breathing.
I listened for a heartbeat and instead I heard my own heart.
He had slipped away without me noticing.

My heart is breaking.
My soul is breaking.
But I will be ok.
I talked to him so many times in his last days.
I think he heard me.

He had suffered so much.
Liver disease is a vicious disease.
He had been clean and sober 25 years and 7 months.
I am who I am today because of him.
I am where I am today because of him.

I will grieve one day at a time.

calling 911

2008-02-09T18:21:00.000-08:00

well we did fall two times today - once at 2 in the morning in the bathroom and the second time at 10 am in our bedroom. the bathroom fall, me and jamila picked him up after much struggle for about 20 minutes. it was like picking up a 265 pound weight since matthew had no strength in his legs but we got him up after a while.

the second fall, i couldn't handle by myself. he was just unable to move his legs. i called eric and 911. dan happened to be here to drop off my laptop, so he got to help too. it took 4 strong men to pick him up and they finally put him in his hospital bed where he is right now.

he's been in bed all day, going from sleeping to struggling to get up, to eating...the nurse came and took a look at him and said he must have had a mild stroke because he is unable to move his leg, unable to talk in complete sentences, etc. the firemen checked his vitals and they were ok though. the thought of him having had a stroke on top of all this certainly could explain some of the sudden downturn, but it also adds just one more layer of frustration for him.

as pissed as he is at me for not letting him get up anymore, he is still sweet. even though he calls me by his sister's name, he tried to sneak a big sloppy kiss a couple of times while i was propping him up. he gives me a sweet hug in between the persistent orders to help him stand up. i love him so much it hurts my heart.

i missed a couple of things today - the caucus and craft day. instead i had a housefull of people helping me prop up my hubby.

2008-02-08T22:34:00.000-08:00

my dear hubby is getting sicker and sicker now, requiring more full time attention. today was pretty tough, tougher than yesterday. he is pretty much needing tremendous assistance to walk but he insists on getting up and doing so, much to my dismay since I am so afraid he or I or both of us are going to fall down and hurt ourselves. I need to talk to the OT and social worker about that - how do you keep from falling? my mom and sister stopped by and it was great to have three women and still we couldnt navigate him good enough.
it hurts me to see him suffering so much. mentally he is very confused and has called me by his sister's name a few times. i think he comes and goes and sometimes doesnt remember who i am. it breaks my heart but i know this is the disease that is doing this to him...
but here's how else I am blessed - yesterday my coworkers stopped by and delivered bags and bags of food from trader joes and got me a gift card for delicious planet so i can order precooked food that is delivered to my home. isnt that awesome! i was so touched, it is totally unexpected and i am just overwhelmed by the support and the love. matthew even managed to say thank you through all his pain and discomfort, and i know he meant every word. we are so blessed to have friends like so many of you who have stopped to say a kind word, a prayer, cooked a meal, and so much more. we are truly blessed and overwhelmed by the kindness and prayers we are receiving from everyone. my only prayer is that whatever kindness you have shown to us, you will also receive in deed and words many times over. thank you...

hopeful

2008-02-01T19:28:00.000-08:00

School went ok today, it was a busy day but very informative. Matthew had a doctors appointment today and Eric went with him. It was very nice of him to do that. That was helpful and if he hadn't done it i would have had to miss school today. The doctors visit went well but the lab values showed that his kidney is starting to fail. Which is not good. I am very worried at this point.

It was tough listening to the doc's message on the machine (Matthew told them it was ok if they did that so he didn't have to answer the phone and I could listen to the message when I got home.) I don't know what else to say....my heart is hurting.

Stuck!

2008-01-30T20:37:00.001-08:00

I'm writing from my family's laptop since my other laptop is having internet problems. won't connect! won't print! i am so bummed because i have gotten so dependent on my internet and my computer especially since i do some work from home. i wonder if i have some sort of a virus....bummer!
oh and i sold my 85 mm lens today, it sold on the first day with buy it now and i am so on top of it, i sent it the same day at the post office!
i was so happy, i didn't think it would sell so quickly but then again I had a good price for it. and it's less than a year old...
spoke to my sis twice on the phone today in the PI. i can't wait to see her videos. she says our dad is not looking well....more to come.

a little tired

2008-01-27T23:04:00.000-08:00

i guess i am reaching a point of overload. it's just that i'm dealing with a lot. i got school and homework that won't go away. i got work that won't go away. and of course, caring for matthew is something i wouldn't trade for anything. it's funny that even though i am halftime at work, my load hasnt really reduced. i just basically do all my in person meetings in the mornings, sign away paperwork and by the time i finish with that, it's time to go, only to continue working from home answering emails, finishing budgets, corresponding with staff on assignments, planning summer programs, putting out fires.

i can't help but feel a sense of guilt when i'm sitting here doing work budgets while my husband sits in the living room watching tv, unable to sit for long or lay down for long periods of time. i don't know if i am really being helpful. i give him massages, fix his meals, dress him, clean the house, drive him, watch tv with him. i feel like i need to do even more but not sure what. and this within the context of me finishing work stuff and doing school homework. how did i manage when i was working 8 hours a day? unbelievable. there is never enough hours in the day for me.

everyone has been great though - amen brought some soup the other day, my sister dropped off some noodles today. His good friend Charlie brought some greens which he ate for lunch today. it gave him enough energy to get up after a nap to visit Margie and to go to the hall, and we were out for about a couple of hours. it was so great to laugh and sit with Charlie, Marvin, and the guys. I could tell he enjoyed himself. but then we get home and he is just so tired, he hardly ate anything except his meds and a small slice of lasagna. it's like his entire energy for the day was expended in those two hours out and about.

dear God, i hope i am doing all that i am supposed to...i wish i knew all the right things all the time...i ask your blessing as we go through our days together...

eye candy from target

2008-01-21T18:51:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, it's been almost three weeks or so since I've been to target, and as usual it has not disappointed with the amount of eye candy. it had me oohing and aahing as the new spring colors and the Global Bazaar settles in...enjoy!

hopeful

2008-01-18T21:48:00.000-08:00

had a visit from Matthew's friend, Rev. Bruce, today. it was great to be able to have him come over, and pray over Matthew. he even gave him a bible. we prayed for a miracle. it's not impossible. it was an interesting day - morning was with matthew's doctor where the mood was definitely hopeless. then the afternoon the pastor comes and he's praying so hard for a miracle. that's what our days are like most of the time - we go from hope to hopelessness in seconds....

2008-01-16T18:46:00.000-08:00

these are all the meds matthew takes. i had to work this afternoon so my mom watched matthew this afternoon. i suppose he did ok, he just slept right through the afternoon. Yesterday was weird though - he barely slept the night before and so I had to stay home with him all day. Then he felt very restless, like he was so uncomfortable. He seemed more tired than usual and just very much in general pain. The nurse came by and she checked him out. Then later in the afternoon, he said, let's get out of here! So after getting ready, i took him to the bank then the hall. it was nice to see Charlie and Bill - they were so happy to see him. I can tell matthew was happy but he couldnt really express it because he was feeling so bad. a couple of times i had to stop the car so he could step out of the car and stretch his legs. He was just so restless. I dont know why. Just restless and uncomfortable.

laughing more

2008-01-14T23:13:00.001-08:00

today was a mixed sort of day. it's hard not to laugh at how our aches and pains make us suffer sometimes. his pain is way more than mine, of course, but we just seem to cope with it. i came home from work at about 1 pm, fixed him a lunch of leftovers - pancit my sister made, left over dim sum, brown rice. it was satisfying. gave him his meds, and he took two swigs of that nasty lactulose. after a short look at my work email, i laid down with him to catch a nap. i swear my snoring kept him awake. this was the highlight of my day, to lay close to my hubby and he lets me hug him. listening to the comforting rhythm of his breathing, listening for any sign of discomfort. i'm right there with him, and he's right there with me.

Vicki sent this to me today...

2008-01-11T17:54:00.000-08:00

And she said I sent this to her a year ago. Isn't it interesting how things go full circle? This is for all of you sisters and brothers who have been such a support for my family...

Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.

BUT.........Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is neverfarther away than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf,and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walkbeside you...Or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters,daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers,Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!
The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.

Thank you!

this made us all smile today

2008-01-10T23:16:00.000-08:00

check this little girl Dakari out, she's a star in the making...click on the link to view.

http://www.broadcaster.com/clip/20164

vegetable soup

2008-01-10T23:09:00.000-08:00

matthew had a doc appt today and his sister Jackie got to take him since i had to work all day. it was good for her to be able to do this, it's her day off and she gets to spend some time with him. he did pretty good until he decided to go to the bathroom at which point jackie supposedly "lost" him. after the appointment, he just got too tired to do anything else and decided to go home and eat a can of Campbells vegetable vegetarian soup (i gotta get some more of those!). i dont know why he loves those so much but it got him through till dinner. matthew's tastes are so simple, and so basic and the simplest of things make him so happy.

favorites mosaic

2008-01-07T23:24:00.001-08:00

favorites mosaic, originally uploaded by victoriagardner.

1. IMG_0544, 2. Dec 21 2007 - VID00011-2, 3. IMG_0558, 4. IMG_0553, 5. IMG_0535, 6. IMG_0565, 7. IMG_0132, 8. marie beach solo copy, 9. IMG_0032, 10. photos 2003 2004 266, 11. 100_1169, 12. 100_0916, 13. 2003 - 2004 073, 14. 2003 - 2004 105, 15. 2003 - 2004 028, 16. play copy

How lucky

2008-01-06T17:28:00.000-08:00

Matthew told Mandela to first, take care of your mom, and second, take care of yourself. it was heartbreaking to experience what could be the last time mandela will be spending with his dad when he's still feeling ok. Matthew said, "the next time you see me, i may be really really sick." i told mandela what an opportunity he has to be able to tell his dad how much he loves him. how lucky he is - some people never have this chance when a person they love gets taken away so suddenly. I never had a chance to tell my brother how much I loved him before an aneurism took him away at 25 years old. God has given us another chance to make it up to Matthew...what a gift this is that He has given us. To be able to spend every day and to make the most of it - that is a blessing and a miracle.

Back to school

2008-01-05T13:01:00.000-08:00

So Mandela is heading back to Cali tomorrow and I'm going to miss him so much once again. Another 6 months and college will be done. I am so proud of him and what he's accomplished so far. It's been great to have him around to help with his Dad's care. Even though he is technically grown, he's still my baby. I've enjoyed our interactions this time and I see how far he has matured in his thinking and in his attitudes. I am just so looking forward to all that he still has to accomplish in his life.

No Mountain High Enough

2008-01-03T17:33:00.001-08:00

some of you know that my hubby matthew is ill. and he is. his liver is failing and the cancer is taking control right now. the nurses and social workers were here today and one of the things we talked about were his "5 wishes". What would you want your loved ones to do at the moment you approach the final crossing over? He was so brave. I was falling apart. If it weren't for the nurses, I wouldn't have been able to do this - but it needed to be done. then when they left, matthew said, "we're going to prove them wrong." I said yes we sure will. I wasn't sure if he said this for my benefit, or for his. but we hold on to the one hope that a miracle can still happen. it's all we've got.

Happy New Year!

2008-01-02T22:46:00.000-08:00

Why do I call my blog Plan B? Because...one has to always be ready to flex. Change is the only thing that is constant in life. My life is not done - my life is a work in progress. I am a work in progress.